


Grey Sweater

by LockWhoSuper



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Explicit Language, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Insomniac Castiel, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Smoking, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-22 00:07:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3708089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LockWhoSuper/pseuds/LockWhoSuper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He wore the grey sweater instead of the bright blue one and turned down watching Captain America and didn't sing his favorite song when it came on the radio and Dean just knows that something is wrong because the grey sweater means that Cas has been over thinking and not sleeping..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grey Sweater

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 2am when I was angry and sad. The beginning and the middle are when it was the worst but I re-wrote then ending when I had taken a breath. This fic is heavily influenced by the song Wishing Well by The Airborne Toxic Event. 
> 
> Please read the tags, but with that in mind I'm also really bad at tagging so please be careful when you're reading. It's probably not even that bad but, just in case ya' know?
> 
> Disclaimer- I do not own Supernatural or any of the character, nor do I own Wishing Well by The Airborne Toxic Event and I'm not making any money from this.

Cas has been acting weird all day Dean thinks, tossing and turning in his empty bed. Sheets tangling around his ankles, anger rising, making him grind his teeth together. He wore the grey sweater instead of the bright blue one and turned down watching Captain America and didn't sing his favorite song when it came on the radio and Dean just _knows_ that something is wrong because the grey sweater means that Cas has been over thinking and not sleeping, which makes the over thinking worse and tonight's definitely a night where Dean needs to keep himself alert.

Everyone that Dean has talked to about Cas always laughs it off, telling Dean that he shouldn't bother with such a downer and find better friends. But Dean can't do that because Dean needs Cas just as much as Cas needs Dean. Dean's also helplessly in love with Cas, Cas makes him laugh and he's the only one he's told of his mothers death since coming to college. The clock beside Dean's bed reads 1:34am. 

Maybe closing his eyes for a few minutes wouldn't do any harm.

Usually Cas texts Dean at ungodly hours of the morning wondering if pigeons can read or if he should eat the extra Twinkie now or save it for class tomorrow because Cas is a fucking _nerd_ and an insomniac. It's not so bad really, Dean's still up most of the time any way finishing a project or paper that's due later on in the day. He's covered though, if he is asleep and Cas needs him. Castiel's ringtone on Dean's old shitty phone is set to the loudest shrill he can possibly set it to. It vibrates manically as well. The constant high pitched squeal always manages to wake Dean up so he can be there for his best friend.

Tonight might be a bad night because of that grey sweater and Dean's jolted awake at 2:30am to the annoying and fucking loud sound of his cell phone losing it's mind. Sleep is still messing with Deans limbs and it takes several goes to shut his phone up by reading Castiel's message.

 **To:** Dean, **Sender:** Cas- "I need you."

Tonight _is_ one of the bad ones then. Where Cas doesn't think he's important. The stupid grey sweater means that Cas is on the roof of their building, because it's where he always goes when he wears it. Because the air is fresher and you can see the stars. There's little air and noise pollution and the ledge is wide enough to sit on without worrying of you're gonna fall on accident. Cas likes to dangle his legs off of the side and let the wind muse his air and he likes to drop his cigarette butts onto the side walk and crush them under his feet when he walks past them in the morning on the way to class.

Dean is out of bed so fast his center of gravity is fucked and he has to take a moment to breath or else he's going to end up face first on the floor. There's a chill in the early morning air but Dean's already running behind so he jams socks into the pockets of yesterdays jeans and struggles to pull on yesterdays shirt over his head. His blonde hair is messy and he probably smells like sweat and has morning breath but he rushes out of his one man dorm room without looking back. There's a fire escape on the other side of the building, it's the quickest way to get to Cas and he flings himself through the already opened window when he reaches it. The metals cold under his bare feet and he shivers making his way up the rusty steps, hands clamped on the filthy railing. 

Sometimes Dean wonders if Cas times how long it takes Dean to reach him. Because he wants to ask if this time has beaten any records. He's out of breath and half frozen when he reaches Cas, he pauses at the top of the ladder, feet slowly dying and his ears turning pink from the cold. 

Cas is a beautiful silhouette against millions of stars and Dean wishes he could draw or had an expensive camera to capture the moment. But all he has is his shitty phone and his memory so he takes a grainy photo that's really just a black blur and a mental image and files the moment away like all the rest. Dean makes himself known by huffing and puffing loudly on his hands, exaggerating his coldness and his attempts to ward off frost bite. Dean's loud and obnoxious about it because one time he was too quiet and startled Cas. Cas slipped and thankfully fell onto his ass by Dean's feet, firmly planted on the roof, hitting his head a little and smashing his elbow into Deans ribs when he fell backwards but Dean would take that bruised rib over the sheer fear and gut wrenching moment when he though Castiel was going to tip forwards and plummet into oblivion. 

"Hey Cas." Dean calls out. "The sky looks awesome." He's laughing quietly to himself as he hops around trying to put his fucking socks on in the near blinding darkness. Cas doesn't even acknowledge him. Dean shrugs it off like he always does and let warmth accumulate in his toes again before moving. 

As Dean moves closer he can see a flicker of light. An orange ember burning bright and then fading as it moves, resting beside Cas on the ledge. Clouds come from Castiels checks. Fogging the air and filling Deans lungs as he breaths in. The embers from a cigarette. 

Dean knows Cas will taste like it if he stole a kiss. But he doesn't.

There's a little bit of shuffling when Dean sits next to Cas. He doesn't enjoy sitting on the edge like Cas does, he's afraid of how high they are and he doesn't look down while they're up here, he doesn't swing his legs either. Sometimes he wonders if Cas resents him for it. For not enjoying something that he enjoys. For not letting go and relaxing on the fringe of their building like he is. 

Dean doesn't say anything. They've been through this enough times that he knows that if Cas wants to talk he will. Sometimes Cas just wants the company. It's methodical, the way Cas raises his cigarette to his lips and then hollows his checks as he takes a drag. Letting his soul fill with smoke then releasing it into the open space in front of him with a long exhale. His body seems to deflate with the exhale, his shoulders hunching and his eyes dropping. 

When he speaks his voice is rough and filled with sleep deprivation. "It's the kind of night where I just want to run away Dean." 

Dean listens with a hole in his chest, thankful the sky's still dark so Cas can't see his face. 

"I feel like something is going to happen, I can feel it. I just don't know when or where and it's driving me insane and if I keep scratching at my skin I'm going to start scratching my bones. There's skin cells under my finger nails and in the air. In our dorm rooms and in classes. They flake off me and float to the street when I walk and they're here now. They're just _specks_ Dean. We can't see them with our naked eye. Isn't that crazy? There are so many things that we can't see Dean. We go through our entire lives passing things by, only looking at the bigger things. The bigger picture. There are 7 billion people on this planet only looking at the bigger picture while we're just specks of dirt. Dust in the wind as you say." Dean cracked a small smile and Castiel stubbed out his cigarette on the ledge then he extended his arm and dropped it. 

Dean didn't follow its decent. But Cas did, bending forwards dangerously. Dean wanted to grab the back of his shirt and pull them both to safety. 

"Dean there's no purpose. What's to stop me from flinging myself into oblivion right now? We're all going to end up there anyway, why not speed up the process? I could slice open my wrists and all the stars in my veins could finally be free and join constellations in the sky and my blood would soak the earth and stain it red and flowers would grow." Cas sighs, his breath fogging the air. 

Deans silent. This is the most Cas has ever talked about whatever _this_ is. Whatever is going on in his mind. Dean doesn't want to butcher it by offering up some shitty "it'll be okay" but he thinks that maybe Cas is waiting for him to say something. But he just remains silent. There's a lump in his throat but he's begging Cas in his mind not to throw himself away. Toss his life in the trash like it means nothing. 

"It's just the same everyday Dean," Cas continues once be realizes that Deans not going to say anything. "Nothing's working out. I just need to feel something. There was a train, heading away from here. I didn't care about the destination. I booked a ticket online a week ago. I didn't think about how this would have effected my grades, or _you_. It wouldn't have mattered where I spent the night, I'd probably end up in a fight or a room made of concrete." 

Cas chooses this moment to properly acknowledge Dean. He turns in his seat, jeans wearing against the harsh concrete. Even though the sky's dark, Cas' eyes are illuminated. Two bright blue beacons of light in the darkness. His raven hair blends with the night and his pale skin looks eerie and like its made entirely out of marble. There's a few days stubble on his sculpted jaw and his full lips are pressed into a tight line. 

Dean can't imagine what he looks like in this lighting. His sun kissed skin probably looks sickly, a light sheen of sweat on his forehead because he's too high off the ground, his green eyes will look flat, probably black and lifeless. All easygoing humor erased from them during the duration of Castiels speech. He knows his stupid cupids bow lips are set in a hard frown because he can feel the downturn tugging at his cheeks. 

"I'm sitting here Dean, and I'm thinking, this is all that I have. It's all that I can stand, no more air can fit in my lungs Dean. It's fucked." Dean nods a little at that but he feels awful after and chooses to study the cigarette scorch marks in the concrete ledge then look at Cas. 

Deans been waiting for a moment. The _perfect_ moment to tell Cas how he feels. How he _truly_ feels because if he introduces Cas as he best friend and not something more one more time he's going to be sick. Maybe this is the perfect time, Dean thinks. On a roof at 3 something am. But it's the wrong time, he needs to be there for Cas and not be selfish in interrupting him to take what he wants, even if it's just for a moment. 

"The train was set to depart at 6 yesterday evening. But I tore up my ticket and I burnt the pieces to ashes and scattered them on the grass during my free period. I thought about what I'd be leaving behind if I'd have left." Cas swallowed, a thick sound that made Dean flick his eyes up. 

Green met blue and Dean's heart soared with hope. 

"I didn't leave because you weren't going to be with me. You wouldn't have been waiting for me when the train stopped. You'd still be here and I realized that I'd regret leaving." Deans pulse hammered in his ears and he scooted just that little bit closer to Cas. 

"Dean I asked you to join me because I need to tell you something." Cas paused and raised his hand to Deans face, cupping his jaw with cold fingers and pulling himself closer. 

"I'm _in love_ with you. And I don't know how not to be anymore." 

It was said quietly, almost a whisper. But to Dean it was loud and shattering. Happiness bubbled in his chest and a grin stretched his face. Cas could feel it under his palm and they laughed together. Happy little sounds that echoed out into the stars. 

"God, Cas. You have no idea how long I've been hoping you'd say that." Deans jaw was starting to hurt and Castiel was practically vibrating where he sat. Both pairs of eyes were shinning, warmth was shared between their thighs, flushed up against each other, calves and ankles a comforting pressure as their legs dangled freely. Dean turned so he had one leg crooked up on the ledge and one still hanging, this way he could press his chest against Castiel's shoulder and they could share heartbeats. 

Dean kissed Castiel's cold cheek almost shyly. Cas' face flushed in the darkness and Dean enjoyed the flood of warmth against his lips, pressing kiss after kiss to Castiels stubbly jaw. Cas finally turns his head and captures Dean's lips with his own. They're softer then Dean thought they would be, a little dry from the harsh cold air but still so _fucking_ wonderful. Cas sighs into the kiss when Dean parts their lips and moves them together more fluidly with his tongue. Cas let's Dean explore his mouth and Dean finds that the lingering taste of Cas' cigarette isn't that bad. 

They only pull away from each other when the need for oxygen becomes too much, both straining for air but neither wanting to be the first one to break the kiss. 

"I love you, too." Dean mumbles into Castiel throat and be presses soft kisses to the beautiful expanse of skin. 

Castiel hums his happiness and decides that the universes exploding where Dean touches him is the best thing in the world.


End file.
